What True Love Feels Like

People have a need to love and be loved. It’s a basic human requirement that can never change. So, when I wrote my book, The List Method – the scientific way to find the love of your life that presents a fool-proof, scientific method to find the love we all crave, I thought all single people would flock to the bookstores. I was not entirely ready for their reticence. People would tell me, “No, no, I’m done with all of that. Relationships are far too much trouble. I’d rather stay alone.” Or I would hear, “I would love to find someone to share my life with, but I’m not willing to compromise myself just to be in a relationship.”

Love Gets a Bad Rap

That’s when I realized that people aren’t rushing toward their next relationship because they have no idea what true, compatible love could be. I know I didn’t either at the outset of this journey. We don’t exactly have the best examples from which to draw. Indeed, the stories of literature and the films we see on television and the movies paint a bleak picture. Of course, they’re not meant to model actual life; they are written to entertain and to drive the plot forward. A story where a relationship flows evenly and harmoniously, and where there is never any conflict would be pretty dull to watch. In the movies, an epic love story only works if someone dies at the end. And, like it or not, and without being aware, these stories fuel our image, and our expectations of what love is like.

Our own experiences of past relationships don’t help much, either. To be fair, though, look at how they got started. Through some terribly romantic and entirely accidental circumstance, it finally happened: You met someone! Either at church, in a bar, at a party, or on a blind date, finagled by well-meaning friends. There was a powerful initial attraction, and somehow you hoped that would be enough to make it last a lifetime. You completely ignored the myriad facets that made you and your lover entirely unique beings. Really, what are the odds that you would meet someone by sheer luck who would turn out to be your utterly seamless match? It’s much more likely that you would meet someone who wants different things, has different opinions, and sees the world entirely differently from you. Of course, this doesn’t bode well for a harmonious, long-term relationship. Then you have a choice. You can either fight all the time or compromise till you barely recognize yourself anymore. Remember, compromise is the warm feeling of knowing that the other person didn’t get what they wanted either. And so eventually went your separate ways. It’s just not worth being with someone if you have to lose yourself in the process.

Clarity is Key

With no real examples, the vast majority of people have no experience of what epic love really feels like. That’s because that kind of love rarely ever happens by accident. It requires focus and clarity, and deep self-awareness. You must be absolutely conscious of your own goals and desires and opinions and values, and personal standards. Only then can you create a detailed List of the one person who would be your perfect match in every area of life. For it to work, you must catalog precisely what you want in a partner. You must detail everything you find irresistible and attractive, both physically, emotionally, and intellectually. Some people worry that if they were to get so detailed, so picky about whom they were looking for, they would never find them, but the exact opposite is true. The sharper and clearer your List, the faster and more precise your result. Zig Ziglar said that you hit home runs not by chance but by preparation. The business world does not function without clear goal setting, precise planning, prognoses, and projections, nor does your love life. A relationship is not truer or more romantic because it started by accident. In fact, the exact opposite is true.

A relationship that is built on seamless compatibility elevates your life. It is hard to describe without gushing how wonderful life is when you are with your ideal partner. When you both have the same ideas about what a perfect life should look like, there is no need for compromise. When you both want the same things, and share the same hopes and dreams, there is no need for contracts, trades, and agreements – you both get what you want. By that, I do not mean that you have to be joined at the hip. For example, my partner and I both require a tremendous amount of alone time. (It was on my List!) It’s just one more thing we have in common. The whole point is that you both get exactly what you want – and that’s where the happiness comes from.

The Elephant in the Room

In the United States, sex is rarely ever discussed in polite society. We ignore it and pretend we don’t care about it, particularly as we get older, but sex is a huge part of who we are as human beings. Sex has to be part of your thinking when you create your List of your perfect mate. What’s your hottest fantasy, and who are you with when it happens? Having sex with a compatible partner who shares your desires and fantasies is very powerful. There have been numerous studies, including at Stanford University, on the effects of orgasms on women’s health. Two to three orgasms a week are recommended to maintain good health. Orgasms are good for the immune system. They increase dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, and testosterone levels and do wonders for our mental and emotional well-being. These hormones and chemical releases can synergistically improve our moods and cognition, and diminish anxiety and stress responses,” so says Monica Grover, MD, a Santa Monica-based OB-GYN physician. You’ll be infinitely happier, and healthier, which means greater success in all other areas of your life.

A Successful Life Should Have a Successful Relationship

When you truly feel loved, adored, admired, and appreciated but for whom you actually are, you bloom like a potted plant. With your mind always on love, everything looks brighter. Being so positively focused, your luck seemingly increases. You run on all ten cylinders and can show up as your very best self. Of course, that’ll garner you even more admiration and compliments from the one who is always in your corner. It’s kind of self-perpetuating, so this kind of love becomes stronger and better and sweeter as time wears on. There’s nothing like sharing the same sense of humor. It’s so much fun being with someone who always gets the joke.

When, on rare occasions, you do see things differently, it’s so easy to be generous when there is so much love. It is a pleasure to give to the one you love, as you would give flowers. “If that’s what pleases you, then that’s how we will do it!” It never feels like a compromise or a deal when true love comes from the bottom of your heart. So, I challenge you to flip your opinion of what love can be like. I promise you that there is epic love out there waiting for you - and all for the nominal price of a bit of self-discovery.

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